In my work with distressed couples, I have the privilege of working with some good people who are highly motivated. Two general categories define people in this situation—the dissatisfied spouse and the spouse who wants to reconcile. The dissatisfied spouse no longer values the marriage. Most of my work is with the spouse who wants to reconcile and believes the marriage is worth the battle.
But this time I’m writing for the spouse who wants to walk-away.
Why? Many times the client who initially was the walk-away spouse has inspired me to weigh in from my experience. The spouse who said, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” This was the spouse who checked out the greener grass, who wanted to pursue a relationship with another partner, to be free from the arguments—to enjoy the peace-filled single life.
However, sometimes this “promised land” doesn’t live up to its promise.
So what happened? In short, this was the spouse who thought they “won.” They convinced their spouse that the marriage was over, that they were never coming back. Then, the reconciling spouse finally had the nerve to believe them and pursue their own happiness. Now the shoe is on the other foot!
I’ve asked these clients, “If you could go back 6 months or a year and talk to yourself, what advice would you give to avoid this heartache?” Here are some of the best comments:
“You’re not as irreplaceable as you think! My spouse told me I couldn’t leave because we were soul mates, I’m irreplaceable, and my spouse couldn’t love someone else with the same romantic passion we had! The truth is now I’m the one feeling replaced and discarded—and it hurts!”
“Don’t believe it when your spouse says, ‘I’ll wait as long as it takes!’ As the leaving spouse I felt in control, indestructible, believing the safety net was in place so I could take risks without worrying about the consequences. If the relationship with the other partner doesn’t work out, ‘I can always go back to my spouse.’ Well, no, actually, you can’t. It turns out the promise that they would wait ‘as long as it takes!’ has an expiration date.” Who knew?!
“The person you are pursuing knows that you are willing to betray a loved one! How long do you think it will be before this impacts your current relationship? Often the new partner will become overly attached and needy, because you’ve demonstrated that you’re willing to hurt people deeply. Or they will decide to ‘do unto you before you do unto them.’” Either way, these relationships have a very high failure rate.
Dear dissatisfied spouse, fast forward a year and imagine things have turned out like one of these stories shared by my experienced clients. If you could come back to now, what would you tell yourself? Are you willing to listen to the older, wiser you? I hope so!
You can do this!
